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We are told to be brave, to take courage.
We are told to face our fear, to take that thing head on.
What on earth do we do when fear assails us right in the middle of this dream that we hold dear? I’m not talking about me facing down the fear, I’m talking about the fear that was deep in my heart that came leaping up and grabbed me by the throat.
When I was a little girl I wanted to be a mommy…and a movie star. Later on, I wanted to be a journalist, a linguist, a writer, a teacher, pretty much anything to do with words, but the mommy bit never left me. It was the dream I held most dear.
My worst fear came true when we were told we wouldn’t be able to have kids unless my husband had surgery…and even then it would be iffy at best.
Sometimes, maybe a lot of times, we are staring at our fear’s dark gaping maw, not because we want to but because we have to. There was no choice involved…we didn’t get in an airplane and jump out to conquer a fear of heights. We didn’t purposefully stride across the stage to deliver a speech to face a fear of public speaking.
Often, our deepest fears come to get us. What are we going to do about it?
My dream to become a mommy did come to pass. My husband had that surgery, and we now have five biological children and one by choice. That choice, to bring in this boy with more issues than I care to think about, unhinged my dreams for an idyllic family life. We were thrown into a minefield that keeps blowing up that dream to this day. We are often asked how we handle it.
How do we handle fear? One hope-filled prayer at a time.
When our boy triggered and things would start flying, fear choked me. I was often paralyzed by it. I still suffer from PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I needed to learn how to deal with all the fear that those explosions caused. There were practical things we could do, things we could learn but my soul needed to know how to walk toward my God, rather than to someone or something. It was a long lesson that I still struggle with. My instinct is to try to be the savior, to fix it, but there is only one Savior, only one Fixer, and it isn’t me.
Am I trusting my own strengths and abilities? Am I trusting someone else to fix things for me? Am I trusting a method, a program, a medication or therapy? I have had to learn to point a finger at the thing I’m trusting and if it isn’t God, I need to realign myself.
There are, however, things you find out about yourself when the things you fear come to pass in the middle of your dream.
- You are stronger than you thought you were because He is strong. (Philippians 4:13)
- You are braver than you thought you were because He is standing with you. (Joshua 1:9)
- You will have a gift to give others because He gave it to you. (II Corinthians 1:3-7)
I never, for one moment, knew that I could endure the tumult that has been our home for the last 17 years. I never knew that I could love a child who didn’t trust me and told me often that I wasn’t his parent and that we didn’t love him. I never knew that I would be able to bring comfort, hope, and wisdom to other parents in similar situations.
I am living the dream, in the midst of the fear, knowing that my God, Who is good, is bringing good out of the suffering and pain that we’ve gone through.
“We have this hope as an anchor for our soul, firm and secure!” (Heb 6:19a)
Shared by: Lani Wiens
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Becky Hastings says
Lani, your story is so important for people to hear. Our own struggles, and those that come with family, are often skirted around when they feel uncomfortable or messy. They are easy to dismiss for the glossier parts of life. But those hard things, those hard choices to love when it seems impossible, those are the things that help us grow and point us to Jesus. Thank you for sharing your heart!
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Lani Wiens says
Real life is often hard to swallow. Not many of us have a Pinterest life. I hope we can all be a little more real!
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Michele Morin says
Thank you, Lani, for finding a way through the fear with God’s help — and then sharing the messy and the magnificent. So often we grow the most during those hard days when we can’t seem to find daylight. Even so, they are hard to live, and I”m sure your words today are going to be a blessing to those who are trusting and making the hard choice to believe.
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Lani Wiens says
Thanks Michelle!
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Mary Geisen says
Thank you Lani for sharing your story but also for concretely reminding us to face our fear, one hope-filled prayer at a time. Your words are so important for so many. I love how God is using you to show others the way.
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Lani Wiens says
Thanks Mary!
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mareedee2016 says
I could relate so well to your words. I too have had to face fear, “One hope-filled prayer at a time.” I kept reading your words and saying , me too. I want to be a savior, or least for my children who suffer from mental illness. I want to take away their pain. You might really enjoy the last two posts I wrote. 1. Best thing to do when life is difficult,(it is about putting our child in the moses basket) and another about how to rest in the midst of the unexpected where I talk about Jesus being our savior. I am definitely sharing your post as it goes so well with my theme this month. Thank you for your beautiful words.
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Lani Wiens says
it’s always encouraging to meet someone else in the same boat isn’t it! I will go read your post!
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mareedee2016 says
Yes, it is.
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Stephanie says
Lani, This post is raw yet so empowering. Our own family has dealt with mental issues that have catapulted us right into an abyss. Your post addresses such an important angle of fear: “What on earth do we do when fear assails us right in the middle of this dream that we hold dear? I’m not talking about me facing down the fear, I’m talking about the fear that was deep in my heart that came leaping up and grabbed me by the throat.” These fears are not easily addressed in blogs or books because they make us uncomfortable. I, like you, want to fix things. But you remind me to reflect here: “I have had to learn to point a finger at the thing I’m trusting and if it isn’t God, I need to realign myself.”
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Alice Walters says
Dear Lani, how brave and wise you are to share your dream and the challenges to it. Our first child died, and even though we were eventually blessed with two children, both pregnancies were fraught with risks and dangers. And then we accepted my niece the day her mother died a horrible death from alcoholism. For 20 years, I thought no one understood the pain and frustration. It’s a big enough burden to carry, especially if you feel like you’re carrying it alone. Sharing your dream and fear, no doubt, brings hope to other women in similar situations. Blessings and prayers for peace.
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Lani Wiens says
thanks Alice, for sharing a part of your journey. No one understanding is, I think, a lie from the enemy to keep us isolated. Often people DON’T understand the struggle, but there are so many who do who aren’t saying so! Blessings to you as you walk as someone who understands!
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Michelle says
This goes right along with my week! My husband was reminded of something so simple but so profound about prayer this week and shared it with me from a book he’s reading. Why do we pray asking God to be with us when He’s always with us? Fear is such a constant struggle and it doesn’t have to be, Amen!
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