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I was never that girl…the one boys lined up for, the one girls invited to their slumber parties, the first one picked for a team, the cool one.
And though those feelings were always present while I was growing up, the worst years were middle school and into high school.
Kids were mean…and I’ll never forget that day during my freshman year of high school.
It had actually started out a few weeks before as I was sitting at lunch with a few of the “friends” I usually ate with. We’d been talking about a few random things, and I confessed that there was a boy in my algebra class who I thought was really cute.
For some reason they thought this was information worthy of bringing up repeatedly, even if he was within earshot. Because, you know, it’s fun to be fourteen and
Completely. Obnoxious.
Have I mentioned how much I don’t like mean people?
Mean people are bad enough. And mean girls are even worse.
They would talk about this little piece of juicy news, seemingly, day after day after day.
And what I didn’t know one day as I took my usual spot at the table? That they’d planned a little something.
How nice of them.
One of them leaned over and whispered to me, Hey, wants to eat lunch with you.
I remember giving them a strange look and questioning them, but these “friends” insisted that he was expecting me to go over to his table.
Reluctantly I glanced over toward him, and he saw me. My heart was pounding, but I took the risk and I picked up my things and stood up to walk over to him when all of his friends (and he was surrounded by at least eight or ten guys) grabbed their trays and left the table, leaving him alone with me walking toward him.
He looked at me, and we both realized what they had planned. And the look on his face said everything.
Sorry, I’m not interested. Get away from me, you big nerd.
Ok, ok, I might be dramatizing that reaction slightly…but let’s just say I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I’m pretty sure I went straight to the bathroom stall, closed the door, and let the tears fall.
Rejection.
It hurts, stings, leaves a mark. It damages identity.
I’m mature enough now to realize that those awkward, teenage years don’t define me as a person. I don’t think of them often, and I certainly don’t dwell on the day when I realized that those friends really weren’t friends at all.
But when it comes to dreaming?
Dreaming God-Sized dreams like writing books and being a blog contributor? (And maybe even working on a medical ship someday?)
I fear rejection. It kinda makes me shake in my gray, knee-high, boots.
And then I think about book writing and how it’s inevitable. At some point, there’s going to be rejection.
The day I handed over my rough draft to one of my dearest friends…the actual, physical, letting-go of the draft was painful. Here was my heart and soul on paper, and she was only the first in a long line of people who will eventually (hopefully!) read it.
What if she hates it? (P.S. Thankfully, she didn’t.)
What if I really am a terrible writer?
What if I get a bad review or a nasty comment?
What if there’s not a publisher out there who likes it?
Or, worse, what if I go through all of that and no one buys my book?
I suppose these are things all writers tremble over at some point…but this is somewhat new territory for me. And if I stare at that stack of rough draft for too many minutes, I start to feel overwhelmed.
And, honestly?
Completely terrified to keep moving forward…those next steps scare me.
I fear that, as I take that next brave step, I’m going to be met with those words…
Sorry, I’m not interested. Get away, you horrible writer.
I listen to the enemy’s whispers far too often. I let him tell me that my writing is no good and that no one will want to read it and that I’m a nobody when it comes to word-sharing and heart-spilling.
Thankfully, I know the Truth, but there are always those doubts.
Because with risk comes the possibility of failure. Of rejection. Of a confirmation of those feelings of inadequacy.
I have certainly failed in my life, and I’m not finished with failure, I’m sure.
From being a wife, mommy and friend to writing, dreaming, and doing, there are those days when I feel as if I’ve failed miserably.
Each day I have to remind myself that I’m His.
That this dreaming? It’s for Him.
And whatever happens? It’s His plan.
And so I’ll pick up that rough draft again, grab my favorite pen, and pore through it. Pick out a few chapters. Send them with my (hopefully-soon) edited book proposal.
Allow my restless heart to beat fast and furious as I wait for a response, knowing that it’s part of the journey toward a dream. And it brings risk.
But along with that risk is the opportunity for the Giver of my dreams to bless unexpectedly and wildly.
And that’s what makes this dreaming and doing worth it.
Photo Credit: mararie
Jenn Woodruff says
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Well, you’re definitely not a bad writer! I could relate to those things you said about rejection. I had to learn through 2012 how much I don’t like rejection & how b/c of my experiences with it, I had a LOT of baggage. Thank you for sharing this. Being real…loving like God would have us love…giving our all…etc, etc, etc causes vulnerability & having to be ok with possible rejection. Whew…not easy, but God never rejects me & that’s what I cling to in my heart depths! 🙂 🙂
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Mel says
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Oh, you are so sweet, Jenn. Thank you! It’s so true that vulnerability brings the risk of rejection…such a comfort to know that our Father always accepts us! Thanks for stopping by today and sharing…blessings to you. 🙂
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Katherine says
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I love when you said:
“Each day I have to remind myself that I’m His.
That this dreaming? It’s for Him.
And whatever happens? It’s His plan.”
Thanks for your words of encouragement, Mel! I have that fear of rejection too, and I pray God reminds us all that His perfect LOVE casts out all fear!!!
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Mel says
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Thank YOU for your words of encouragement, Katherine! Have a blessed week! 🙂
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Janet says
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“Because with risk comes the possibility of failure. Of rejection…” Yep, that’s what has stopped me from doing more towards my God-Sized Dream. Small steps have not met with much success, so bigger steps stop me cold, and I turn away and find other things to keep busy and avoid doing the scary stuff. I am subscribing to this website, to hopefully find encouragement to turn back around and take some bigger steps.
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Mel says
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I’m so glad you stopped by today, Janet! Oh, those steps…no matter how big or small…can be scary. (My heart still pounds like crazy when I think of publishing…) Please know you are always welcome here, and I hope you’ll find encouragement every time you visit. And be sure to enter the giveaway on the main page, too…Holley’s book is so wonderful. I know her words will be a blessing. (And it’s well worth the money, even if you don’t win it!) Blessings and hugs to you today. 🙂
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Elise Daly Parker says
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Oh yes, Mel! Our good God is so willing to unexpectedly and wildly bless us. We have to remember that nothing we do is worthless…that even if our writing isn’t where we want it to be, it is getting us closer with every brave word put on paper. I so look forward to your book!
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Mel says
December 30, 2013 at 9:52 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Oh, precious friend…you bless me. I’m so thankful to be on this adventure with you! Anxiously looking forward to our next coffee…I hope it’s soon! Love to you!
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