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I grew up shy. Dutiful. Obedient. Friendly enough for a preacher’s daughter, as friendly as required, but shy without question. My father left us for another family before my eighth grade year; that didn’t do anything but deepen my insecurities and doubt.
Shyly I entered college, with a course long charted for medicine. My first B threw me into upheaval and, via a story far too long to share here, redirected me to instead study Pre-law. I majored in Political Science and minored in Speech. I hated speaking in public! I threw up before every speech. This continued on in to law school, but I continued to speak, with toothpaste always nearby.
Fifteen years after graduation, I find myself celebrating my 40th birthday on a ship I regularly feel is beyond my class, charted for a course I feel incapable of completing. Apparently, in this whole faith thing, being humanly incapable of achieving your dream is actually a good thing. Or so I’m learning.
The course was not straight or easy.
The boat is not even the same one nor does it resemble my boats charted for dreams long gone by. I spent my early 20s fighting my faith. I spent my late 20s fighting men. I spent my early 30s fighting infertility. I spent my mid 30s fighting the pressures of “it all.” Throughout these years, I fought to stay in control. To chart my OWN course. Even when I prayed, read scripture, and lead bible studies, I fought God for control.
This is what I’m learning. It’s not about the fight.
The fight that comes because of a struggle of wills. Your’s against God’s.
It’s about the surrendering.
Surrendering to the one true captain who knows no bounds, whose ship has no class restrictions, whose course has no limitations. I’ve learned that this dream in my heart, to serve people in need of God’s grace, looks different, but better, through His telescope. At least, what I’ve seen glimpses of thus far.
This is who I am. I am a woman who loves God, my husband of seven years, and my miraculous three children who were born sixty seconds apart four years ago. I am a full-time attorney for a global energy company. I love my work and do it well. I love to write – more than just about anything else besides my family and friends. I’ve written a blog for three years, which began as a chronicling of the triplets story. Then God turned it into a refreshing spot for working women of faith. I published my first book about leadership for women this summer, Learning to Lead. I have an incredible crew of girlfriends–God well knew I would need them to survive this dream He is revealing to me bit-by-bit. I am stubborn and opinionated and vocal; for over two decades I had no idea this existed in my spirit. I’m now learning how God can use it, if I will first let Him tame it.
Even all those shy insecure years ago, though, I was a dreamer.
I’ve always been a dreamer. I just never imagined where God would take me. Where He would drag me. Where He would allow me to sail. Despite His continued faithfulness, I do not always sail fearlessly. But I will stay on this boat. Confident that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. (Philippians 1:6) And knowing that He is able to do immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine, according to His power at work within me. (Ephesians 3:20)
Photo Credit: Patrick Nouhailler, Creative Commons
Shared by: Gindi Vincent
*This post has been edited from the archives, January 2, 2014.
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Kristin Smith says
Oh this is so good friend. “I’ve learned that this dream in my heart, to serve people in need of God’s grace, looks different, but better, through His telescope.” – yes yes yes!! So glad that God takes our thoughts and ideas and makes amazing dreams come true with them!! So blessed that I get to see it unfold along with you!
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Gindi Vincent says
Thank you sweet Kristin – it is his thoughts and ways that are so much higher than our thoughts and ways that make it all possible!
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Makeda says
This was so wonderfully vulnerable and beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your story with us.
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Gindi Vincent says
Thank you Makeda – it’s an honor to be a part of this community.
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Crystal says
The thing that scares me most about my God sized dream? Feeling like I’m in over my head and trying desperately to remember that the God who opened this door will keep me from drowning. He has prepared me. He is capable. I just have to be brave enough to show up & stay the course.
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Sam says
Same!!! Especially when I know that I KNOW he told me to do something, and I obeyed, but the immediate results don’t line up with what I thought the goal was – not even close. Instead, it set me back (as far as I can tell).
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Kristin Smith says
Crystal – knowing you like I do, I know you are perfect for this new role….can’t wait for the moment when you realize that too and can see yourself as we do – as He does! Hugs girl!!
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Gindi Vincent says
Oh I know Crystal. I am constantly terrified going, ahem, God, I think you got the wrong girl. But then I remember the burning bush in the Bible where God keeps telling Moses that he can do it and that God will enable him to set his people free despite all of Moses’ protestations (I can’t talk, I’m the wrong guy, they won’t believe me). And finally God’s like ENOUGH, stop with your excuses – so I just say, alright God, I can NOT see I can do what you are calling me too but you know best.
And I know your heart and your ability to honor Him and I am SO excited to see what crazy amazing things He has set in front of you this year!
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Christine Wright says
Cheering and praying for you, sweet Crystal!! God’s got this! Love those words, Gindi – both in your post and for Crystal!
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Mel says
Wow…even though I know some of this story, your words today are such a reminder that He can do anything with a life when we are willing, open, and available. And, girl…we might even be kind-of sisters. From being shy to having similar family situations…and I’ve never met anyone else who got sick before all of their speeches in college! 😉 So looking forward to our next (in)RL hug and chat. Beautiful words today, sweet friend…I love that we’re sailing this dream journey together!
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Gindi Vincent says
That is SO interesting Mel! I had no idea. And yes, I think I was the only serial nausea girl in my college. Love your heart and can’t wait to hug your neck.
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Julie Wilson says
Joining in with the let’s get sick before speech class girls… the thought of public speaking still sends me into a tailspin… getting shaky just thinking about it!!
Still struggling for control these days and praying daily for surrender to God’s plan for my life!!!
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Gindi Vincent says
Isn’t that crazy, how God calls us so far out of our comfort zone! Praying with you Julie.
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Sam says
Funny how God works. Today? I’m laughing to myself and saying to God, “Okay! I get it! (For now.) Remind me again in a few weeks.” Just participated in my first Five Minute Friday link up, and wouldn’t you know it – the word was FIGHT!
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Gindi Vincent says
Oh Sam, that happens to me too! I’ll get FOUR messages in one week on the same thing and I’m like, okay God, enough already, I hear you, I’m listening! Thanks for joining us here as we battle it out together.
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Christine Wright says
Sam, I was psyching myself up to participate in my first FMF today too (not sure if the one at Allume counts?)! And WOW – I love how God worked Lisa Jo’s word and Gindi’s post together!! God is so good!! (Gindi loves her some LJ!) It’s like a wink from God!
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Alecia says
I was thinking the same thing!! I’m always amazed at God’s timing!
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Kristin Taylor says
I’ve learned recently that even if God lays dreams on our hearts, pursuing them and chasing them doesn’t always go as expected. I don’t want to lose focus of God because if I do, then I’m not pursuing the ultimate Giver of all dreams and good things.
Gindi, I love your words here. God’s using you in a mighty way.
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Kristin Taylor says
And P.S. – I can totally relate because I was PAINFULLY shy when I was younger, like hide-behind-my-mom’s-leg shy. 🙂
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Gindi Vincent says
So so true Kristin. It’s so easy to lose sight of the one who gave us eyes to truly see, thanks for sharing (and it’s amazing how many of us shy girls there are in disguise now!).
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Chelle says
Gindi,
Your courage to be transparent, to be available to be used by God is so powerful. I am thankful for your friendship, for your faith and your prayers. Your words have the power to move mountains.
Dream. Sail on!
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Gindi Vincent says
Oh Chelle – I feel the same way about you and your powerful words yesterday. What a gift we have to share the voyage together.
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Judy Layton says
Beautifully written…..looking forward to traveling with you as we set sail!
Thank you so much Gindi.
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Gindi Vincent says
Thank you Judy – thrilled to have you part of our sailing community!
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Joanne Viola says
Beautiful post. It touched me deeply as I hold back from people at times. I am grateful that our God will drag me at times to where I need to be. So I guess what scares me the most about my dreams is that others will know about my dreams 🙂 Praying for courage. Thank you for writing & sharing this with us all. Blessings!
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Christine Wright says
I get that fear, Joanne. So, so much.
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Gindi Vincent says
Courage. Yes, praying for courage for all of us. Sometimes the scariest thing is that others will find out and question or attack or laugh. But oh friend, even if that happens, it’s still His dream He has placed in YOUR heart, so be brave and step out. Share with one safe person to get your feet wet. And you’re always welcome to share with us – we’d love to cheer you on!
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Tina Evans says
Like you, I have always been shy. growing up in a single (boisterous) mother home as the only child, ensured I was shy and full of self-doubt. I love how you bring out that God can move aside those “class” notions, bringing all of us into one class, a God-loving class. I would have to say that is my biggest fear, especially local, which is where I feel God wants me to start with my ministry. Will people be able to look beyond my “class” to see that we are all on the same page and I do have something to offer them, that I can help them, even through we came from different backgrounds?
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Tina Evans says
Oh! And, I too have always been a dreamer, an effect of the childhood I had. And today, I am seeing some of those dreams fulfilled. What an amazing God we serve! 😀
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Christine Wright says
Isn’t it nice to finally see the benefits of being a long-time dreamer? Yay!
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Gindi Vincent says
Oh Tina, yes I had that mom. And I get how that impacts your perspective. But as a kid on food stamps in 8th grade wearing hand-me-downs and cleaning houses, I will tell you that I’ve stopped letting my where I’ve come from limit my where I can get to! In fact, that makes the story even more of a God miracle thing. And God will change people’s hearts. And there are people that are desperate for the help. Praying for you – please keep us posted and let us know how we can encourage you.
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Tina Evans says
Gindi, the part I did not express is where I am now. 😉 This is from my Facebook page a few days ago:
Those of you who have known me a long time, who know everything I have been through, actions against me and mistakes I have made, and more recently the healing journey I have been on, know what a relief it is for me to finally be able to say this: “Looking back on my life and everything I have been through, good or bad, ugly or beautiful, I can see God there, right there with me every step of the way. And for me to deny, to try and forget, because it was too evil, too hurtful, would mean denying God, would mean refusing to see the good that eventually came from it, would mean denying all that has happened in my past has shaped who I am today, and ultimately denying who I am. So extremely thankful for my Heavenly Father and His everlasting presence and for finally being free from my past. Thank you to everyone who has helped me get there, I truly appreciate you and could never repay the blessings you have bestowed on my life. Without you, without God’s grace, love and forgiveness, I would still be wallowing in a pool of self-pity.” My prayer for 2014 is this: May you(all my Facebook friends and family, and non-facebook friends and family) and I have a happy and healthy 2014 filled with wonderful family time, deep connections with God, and new community connections that will bless our socks off!
Part of my dream is to start a ministry, my ultimate dream is one with my hubby, but for now, baby steps and starting one on my own. I only have God to thank for allowing me to get this far in my healing and I want to re-pay by leading others to where I am. <3
Thank you so much for posting this and your comment. It only makes my victory and my dream all that more real. 😀
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Gindi Vincent says
Oh I love that rest of the story Tina – the redemption and forgiveness, that is SUCH a God story. Excited to hear more about your ministry as you dream big!
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Mandy says
I love this glimpse into your story, stated with such beautiful confidence, plus adoration of the One who made you the wonderful woman you are.
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Gindi Vincent says
Thank you beautiful friend – It is all about the ONE.
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Ashley Fields says
I wouldn’t describe myself as shy exactly but definitely reserved, quiet and very observant until you get to know me at which point, watch out! I will talk your ear off if I’m in the mood to talk and you’re willing to listen! 🙂 My reserve and fear have held me back from God’s promises for much too long. I have been fearful since I was a small child and now, at the rather young age of 29, I realize more fully how much my fear has impacted me. It is out of this fear that God is and has been (for a while now) calling me. Like you Gindi, I have always been a dreamer and just within the past two years God has begun to turn some of those dreams into a reality, inviting me to believe more than ever that He is faithful and He can do ANYTHING! I am determined that this year, His Will will prevail rather than my own fearful doubting. Thank you Gindi, for your vulnerability in this post. As I read it this morning, it definitely touched my heart!
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Gindi Vincent says
Thank you Ashley. For your encouragement and your honesty. Fear. Boy that is a big one. We do let it hold us from so much and I am cheering with you that you are letting that go and seeing God turns dreams into reality (or even beyond dreams into reality!). Thanks for sharing your journey here.
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Delonna Gibbs says
Gindi – I feel like you were typing parts of my story and journey. This past year I keep saying to myself “Not my will Lord, but yours” every time I feel like I want to take the reigns again. Or those moments when I’m hurt and think I can definitely do it better job managing my life. I start to believe the lie that God must be too busy to handle that so I will just take that little piece over – LOL And since I’m so stubborn it sometimes takes me a while to let go – kinda like two toddlers fighting over the same toy…I hold on for dear life only to realize God wanted to give me a different toy that suits me and my personality. I am learning too girl and feel so blessed to be on this journey with you. Love you tons and I’m sending you a HUGE HUG! Thanks for sharing your heart and your story.
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Gindi Vincent says
Oh I love all of this girl – yes, stubborn, I GET that! When your childhood is chaotic you do everything to stay in control. It takes years to realize, at least it did for me, that He’s got this, and He’s got it far better than me, but I think it will be a lifelong process. Love you and your heart friend.
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Alecia says
I think the scariest part of dreaming for me, is being in over my head and feeling insecure about what I’m doing. I needed this reminder today, that by myself it’s impossible, but with Him I can do it! I love your story and you are an inspiration to so many. The dream may look different, but it is definitely better!! God is using you in amazing ways. So thankful to know you!
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Gindi Vincent says
Thank you Alecia, for your encouragement and your honesty. We ALL feel in over our heads, that’s how we know it’s God, right? So glad to walk this journey together.
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Lanette Haskins says
Love this Gindi! I was also very shy and insecure growing up. I had believed for so long that I had no value, that I was a mistake and lived a life of shame and guilt because of the things I had done and things that were done to me. For so long I doubted that God had a plan for me. Even after I had become a Christian I doubted that I had any value, I knew I was forgiven, but value? Until Jesus opened my eyes to see that He valued me enough to give His own life for mine. What He did was enough, to cover my sins and the sins of those who hurt me.
I know that God has a plan and a purpose for me and I know that He can take all that was meant for evil and bring good, not only to me, but to those who feel just like I did…there is purpose in the pain.
I love seeing other women stepping out, sharing their pain, discovering their purpose and living out God’s plan for their lives!
LOVE what you ladies are doing with your God Sized Dreams!
I’m a dreamer too….
living proof of Ephesians 3:20
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Christine Wright says
All of what you said Lanette – yes, yes, YES!!!
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Gindi Vincent says
Thank you Lanette – for joining in and sharing your journey. Honored to have you with us here as we all seek Him.
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Melissa Wallace says
LOVE this post! I have spent my lifetime trying to control everything, just giving God pieces of my life. What a difference when you give it ALL to Him! Thank you for sharing this with us – you are such a blessing!
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Amy says
What scares me most about my God-Sized Dream? I have no idea what I’m doing. I know God has been stirring my heart and the second I said one “yes”, people starting falling in around me out of nowhere. It’s clear that I’m going the right way, I just don’t know what I’m doing…but that’s the beauty in it. If I have nothing to rely on in myself, I HAVE to rely on God. Best place to be, ever.
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Lanette Haskins says
I soooo agree Amy! When we have NO idea what we’re doing, we can’t take any of the credit and God gets all the glory! Yes, best place to be, ever!!!
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Gindi Vincent says
I love this Amy. Because it is SO true. I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s Gideon. God took away anything that would smack of “man” winning so it would be unquestioned that God won the battle!
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Barbie says
The thing that scares me most about my God-sized dream is losing sight of God while in pursuit of it.
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Lanette Haskins says
Barbie,
You should read this devotion
http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/
If GOD is at the center, above and below and all around your God Sized Dream, you won’t be able to lose sight of Him!
Let 2014 be a year of living FEARLESSLY!
God bless you 🙂
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Gindi Vincent says
Thank you Lanette – and yes, you are right!
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Gindi Vincent says
Isn’t that scary? I worry about that. That it somehow becomes the Me dream instead of the Him dream. But I have friends that keep me grounded. I have His words to keep me grounded. And I know that even if I lose sight, He is always right there waiting for me to find Him again.
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Beth says
I’m on the boat but I’m still not quite sure what my God-sized dream is. But I know I will keep sailing with Him and let Him reveal to me. Did that make sense? Too often what is in my mind and what I write don’t always match up. 🙂
I’m loving this new place here.
Many blessings,
Beth
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Gindi Vincent says
Beth, we love having you here. Oh and friend, we’ve all felt lost on a boat! Okay, God, I’m sailing, but ahem, I’m not sure where we’re headed. The good thing is He will reveal it in His time and you are bravely on the boat!
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Amy says
…Your descriptions of the decades of fight, each with a different opponent, resonated so deeply with me! Being in my mid-thirties (okay… maybe more like late 30’s) this past year has been all about letting go of the pressures of “it all” through some deep and painful breaking. Thanks for sharing part of your story.
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Gindi Vincent says
Thank you Amy for sharing, it is good to know that we’re all in this together. It often takes painful breaking to release that which we too firmly hold, keep going, and He’ll be “it all.”
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Kaitlyn says
One of the things that scares me is my age – but I know it’s really just a number.
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Ashley Fields says
You’re age is definitely just a number but you can reach young women that many can’t because of your age. We all have different experiences and different ways of relating them. Keep on dreaming! 🙂
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Gindi Vincent says
You know – it IS just a number. Regardless of whether you are 14 or 40 or 104, I firmly believe God can use you in powerful and mighty ways. For me, I was passionate for Christ as a teen but then spent years away – I’m finding now that I’m older I’m much more free to act without concern of what people think. So each end of the age spectrum has its advantages 🙂
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Deb Weaver says
Oh my heart echoes this cry: “I do not always sail fearlessly, but I will stay on this boat.” Yes. Yes.
The scariest part of dreaming is the unknown.
Deb Weaver
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Lanette Haskins says
Deb, I’m pretty sure we met at Allume this past October 🙂
“Staying” had always been a tough one for me, I had been a “runner” my entire life (and I don’t mean as in jogging…) but God has taught me to stay. Stay when it’s tough. Stay when it’s scary. Stay when I can’t see a possible reason for staying. STAY. It has been in the staying, in obedience that His truth has been revealed, that doors have been opened, that fears have been conquered. “Unknown” to us, but fully known to God the One who knew us before He formed us in our mother’s wombs. He has a plan, to prosper us and not to harm us to give us hope and a future, if we will stop running and stay….
Keep dreaming, and keep staying!
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Gindi Vincent says
It’s true, but it always turns out to be the best part too – I love the grand surprise!
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Leslie says
What scares me most? I guess now its just figuring out how to make it happen without going into debt! Honestly I am EXCITED about where He is leading me and hubby is A-OK w/ me following through w/ going to grad school as long as I don’t have to borrow $$ to do it. THAT is the part that scares me I gues – wondering how He will provide and WHEN – cause I want to start classes like, tomorrow but don’t have the $$ to – so maybe having the patience to wait is what scares me!
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Gindi Vincent says
I know how the money thing can paralyze a dream. Don’t let it though. I have a friend who always reminds me that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50) and so providing a way for you to fulfill His dream for you is something He wants to do. Praying that grad school comes soon for you!
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Stacy says
Fear
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brooke says
My biggest fear is ME getting in the way of what God wants to accomplish through my life. I am SO incredibly selfish when left to my own devices. Thank you so much for this post! May God continue to use your life for His glory!
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Gindi Vincent says
Oh I know that feeling Brooke – I’ve been all too guilty of that, prayers for you as well as you continue your journey!
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Amy KW says
What scares me most about my God-sized dream is that, like others have posted, I don’t know everything about it……..the HOW, the WHEN, etc. The uncertainty of the unknown. But this dream gives me energy……..and mainly gives me hope!
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Gindi Vincent says
I’ll tell you what Amy – hope and energy overcome unknown every day of the week. Excited to see what your dream has to hold!
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Lisa Larson says
Gindi, what a beautiful post, and boy can I relate to everything you said…..the shyness, the throwing up before a speech…..all of it! Love you girl! So grateful to be on this journey with you!! What an adventure 2014 is going to be!
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Gindi Vincent says
Thanks Lisa, isn’t it crazy how many of us struggled with that?!?! And yes, can’t wait to see what 2014 has to hold!
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Jen Wagenmaker says
This is the very topic that I am speaking at next week for a local women’s conference. My friend sent my your site… A blogging friend that I’ve never met face to face. I am in Awe of the timing of her suggesting this to view. I too began blogging for my children many years ago. In 2011 God called me to dream with Him and what a journey it has been. I’m excited to see more of what He calls you to. Blessings!
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Gindi Vincent says
Jen – welcome! And good luck at the conference next week. I’ll be excited to see where you head as we all voyage along on His behalf together.
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Elise Daly Parker says
Oh yes, Gindi, I know this struggle well. The one between me and God. I can be so stubborn, thinking I know better than God. I love how God took the very thing you were afraid to do and called you to it. When that happens, we have no choice but to rely on Him. And that is always a good thing! Bless you friend.
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Gindi Vincent says
Yes, I have stubborn in my blood! So grateful to have a community who understands the struggle!
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Kristie Stevens says
Gindi,
I think I met you when we were in 8th grade – maybe 9th. I had no idea of what you were going through. You were shy, but smart and graceful in that awkward growing up way. I love seeing your transformation and how God is using you now. Keep dreaming!
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Gindi Vincent says
Oh Kristie – you are so kind. It’s so funny how we see ourselves when we look back and just see the awkward. God has been so incredibly faithful (and patient) as I stumbled down the path of grace.
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Michele Morin says
Gindi, I’m so thankful that you shared this post, because you’ve called me out on my tendency to cling to the small and safe. There are no boundaries to God’s greatness, and I’m asking Him for grace to enlarge my own with fearless faith and trust in HIS faithfulness.
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Elise Daly Parker says
Hmmmmmm…not sure how this post showed up today, but just love it! Gindi, I imagine you’ll read it and see how far you’ve come. This post is moving and full of hope…I had chills from my head to toes thinking about what God can do with a life surrendered to Him!
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