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Warning: This post contains sensitive themes about childhood sexual abuse.
As we sail toward God-Sized dreams, many of us will face times when moving forward means a detour through what anchors us to the past. Will we let God take the wheel and sail us through the needed healing?
The memory didn’t surface until about 5 years into my marriage. Certain smells and textures brought flickers of images. Images of sunshine through a playhouse window. Of pine walls. Of tan indoor-outdoor carpeting.
Then the dreams. Being in a room with the window too high to see through. Light streaming in mottled patches through the tree outside, light so beautiful I want to reach through the window and touch it. I must be about three, I think to myself as I wake from the warm imagery.
In another of the dreams, I’m taller now. I see out the window into this beautiful back yard. I turn and look away from the window and there’s this sweet little girl, a mess of sunny blonde hair, bright blue eyes, a dimple that punctuates her smile. And those cheeks—little apples that I want to smother in kisses. She looks so much like my youngest daughter.
She must be about three, I think to myself as I wake.
I’m sitting on a city bus years later. It’s a hobby I love—a few hours away from the family I now have, to find perspective and see the world. I crave the sunshine through the large bus windows. Joy fills me, being able to watch landscapes flow by instead of missing them because I’m behind the wheel.
The bus turns down a street lined with trees—tall ones, maybe oak or fir—the sun pours over me in mottled patches through the bus window. And my dreams find each other. She was three years old. She was on the floor and couldn’t get up to see out the window. He’d said, “Stay low. This is our special game and we don’t want anyone to see.”
She was me.
Last weekend, I parked in front of the now-empty dirt lot where my grandparents’ home once stood. But it wasn’t their house I needed to see. I turned down the street—I knew where his house was, even 37 years later.
My mom walked up to me, stood close as the house and I looked at each other. Tears streamed hot down cheeks. Memories filled my mind—the boy, the rough playhouse floor, the words “You like this game. I know you do.”
I feel like maybe this time as I recall the memories—here in this place—I might drown.
Behind the house, the fir tree that had comforted me in moments stolen by that boy, reached high above even where I stood at street level. It seemed to look me in the eye and reassure me, “See, little one? We’ve both survived.”
I stood a little taller as I looked back, and whispered to that magnificent tree, Thank you. Thank you for comforting me as I looked out the playhouse window from the floor where it would happen. Thank you for sharing the sunlight, bird songs, whispered wind reminders that this would not be the end of the story.
That moment connected my then to my now. After years of nighttime dreams that made no sense. After wondering if I was crazy, if it had really happened, and why it was always so hard to let people close. After convincing myself the past didn’t matter and today’s dreams had nothing to do with yesterday’s pain. I finally let God take me there, to the street, to his house. Looking at it I knew it really had been true. The hurt had happened. The wound had changed me, closed part of my soul.
Standing in front of that house, waves of emotion washed over me. Many moments passed.
Then, quietly, imperceptibly, a calm swelled up inside and quieted the storm. As if Jesus restated his words from long ago, “Peace, be still” (Mark 4:39).
The tears took a new form: my own pain mixed with growing grief over what must have been true in that boy’s life for him to do what he did to a young girl. Compassion pressed in as the Dream Giver stood holding me in the waves.
After years of struggle with this issue, I could admit the extent of my loss and extend forgiveness to him in the same moment. In the exchange, an anchor lifted and I knew the God-Sized dreams that have already unfolded in my life were now free to sail farther.
Did that moment in front of the house wrap the experience up tidy in a bow? Not even close. There will be more to process, I know. I also know our stories aren’t the same—and I would never presume to understand the deep beauty or brokenness of your life.
But, friend, we can’t press boldly into new dreams if a bit of our soul stays anchored in pain. (<====Click to Tweet) We’ve got to be willing to let God steer us where we will be most whole. I pray that as storms from the past rise, we’d each allow God to take the helm, turn us back for a moment, and in so doing, give us power to press stronger into dreams He longs for us to live.
Shared By: Laurie Wallin
Mandy Mianecki says
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Thank you for sharing this tender part of your story, Laurie. I’m sorry for your pain and so very proud of you for taking the brave steps toward healing. What beautiful words you use here.
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Laurie Wallin (@mylivingpower) says
August 22, 2015 at 2:16 amDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Thank You Mandy for helping me be prepared to share here on the site. You set a brave example.
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Sundi Jo says
August 21, 2015 at 9:07 amDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Beautiful post!
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Veronica says
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Hi Laurie,
I am sorry for your pain and your grief. Thank you for bravely sharing.
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Laura Polk says
August 21, 2015 at 1:45 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Oh, my beautiful sweet friend. My heart broke as I read this. But rejoiced in your ability to turn to the One who can heal you. I’m in tears. And I love you. <3
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Laurie Wallin (@mylivingpower) says
August 22, 2015 at 2:17 amDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Your tears are a blanket wrapped around my heart. Thank you for sitting with me in this.
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comealivejenn says
August 21, 2015 at 2:15 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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beautiful friend. I am so proud of you for boldly sharing these beautiful words of freedom!!
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melissaaldrich says
August 21, 2015 at 3:05 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Laurie,
Thank you. For shepherding me from afar in healing and in hope and freedom. Love you so much.
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Laurie Wallin (@mylivingpower) says
August 22, 2015 at 2:19 amDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Melissa it is a privilege and a joy to be able to walk side by side in the tough stuff of life. Thank you so much for your sweet words.
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Meredith Bernard says
August 21, 2015 at 3:11 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Beautiful, soulful, healing and hopeful words here, Laurie. Thank you for your courage and for letting God write a new story in your life. Praying he same boldness you expressed here today continue to set your sail for the dreams He has planned for you. xo
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Laurie Wallin (@mylivingpower) says
August 22, 2015 at 2:20 amDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Thank You Meredith. Even write in that moment I knew that the prayer you pray here was already being answered. God doesn’t let us drop out of his grip even for a second. I’m holding on to that hope.
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Pamela Filomeno says
August 21, 2015 at 3:48 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Crying, still-painful tears. Thank you for sharing.
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Laurie Wallin (@mylivingpower) says
August 22, 2015 at 2:22 amDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Pamela, I’m sitting with you in those tears. For as long as you need. Praying deep healing.
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Melinda Lancaster says
August 21, 2015 at 4:20 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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This brought tears along with prayers of thanksgiving to the God Who is always with us. Continued healing, friend. I love you.
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Wendy Speake Brunner says
August 21, 2015 at 4:52 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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This may be one of the most beautifully crafted blog posts I’ve ever read. But they aren’t just descriptive words and images… they are a path to freedom and healing. A path forward. I imagine this post took great courage to share. Thank you – Wen
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Mandy Mianecki says
August 23, 2015 at 1:38 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Amen!
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Nicco says
August 21, 2015 at 5:32 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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This takes alot of brass to share. But you will be blessed by the depth of your healing down the road. Please don’t think the boy got away with this. It will continue to haunt him until he deals with it. Both sides of the event have a cost, a result and leave scars.
Praying you through your healing…
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Laurie Wallin (@mylivingpower) says
August 22, 2015 at 2:26 amDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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I hear you, and I know there’s work remaining for both of us to do regardless of where he is at with his journey. Would appreciate your prayers for redemption and healing of the hurtful spiritual connection forged between he and I.
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Becky Keife says
August 21, 2015 at 7:42 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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And this is one of the main reasons we need each others’ stories…because when you walk bravely, bringing light to dark places, showing God’s faithfulness in the midst of deep pain and sorrow, it gives others the courage to do the same. Surely, surely, there is someone who needed this particular story. I’m so sorry for your tragic wounding and incredible loss, but alos so proud of you in this telling. Such beautiful words because of His beautiful work in you. Well done, friend.
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Laurie Wallin (@mylivingpower) says
August 22, 2015 at 2:28 amDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Thank you dear one. And now I know why light was so incredibly compelling to me this year! It’s amazing how God prepares us for healing the way he does.
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generalkat says
August 21, 2015 at 10:50 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Your story touched my heart as I too had a secret from my young girlhood. It was shameful yet at that time I was too naive to know it would cauterize my heart and hold me captive to open myself fully to others. I know the past can imprison my dreams and I took a step to forgive the person who violated me. I haven’t written or talked to others about the experience due to the shame, but healing for my heart has come. I found God’s love and acceptance for who I have become, a child of God and highly esteemed by Him. The past is just that…past, and I am living in newness in my spirit to experience Christ living in me has set me free.
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Laurie Wallin (@mylivingpower) says
August 22, 2015 at 2:31 amDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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I am so sorry for the loss you have faced. And so grateful to hear that you have experienced such healing. You’re right, you are a beloved, highly esteemed, close-held child of the King. Praying both of us would keep hold of those truths every moment.
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Elise Daly Parker says
August 24, 2015 at 9:25 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Oh Laurie it is for freedom that we have been set free. Thank you!
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Zeena singh says
August 24, 2015 at 9:29 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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God has wiped away your tears. I rejoice with you.
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Jodee says
August 26, 2015 at 9:08 amDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Wow Laurie,
My heart just breaks for you and countless others who’ve been subjected to the mind-bending, soul tormenting torture of childhood, or any age for that matter, abuse – in any form. So many lives are left in complete ruins as a result of the mental scars left behind. I know that had it not been for a man called Jesus, I personally would never have survived. That Old Rugged Cross just happened to have a story worth living for. ☺️
Forgiveness? Most days I think I’ve got that covered; others… maybe I’ve still got to work on that – he didn’t just abuse me, he did it to my little sister as well.
You are truly an inspiration and I admire your sweet, brave heart. You went back!!
It’s quite something that I had this blog of yours in my inbox this morning as I also had a devotional from Sylvia Gunter – The Father’s Business, entitled “Blessing Of Your Belovedness.” Although Sylvia doesn’t mention abuse in the devotion, the whole overtone of it, scriptures and all, spoke to my spirit about the deep attachment God has for me, He wants me to know it without a doubt, HEARING Him speak to me about how He feels about me, “and love that is much deeper than the mindset of survival.” WOW! So much more like that, and the last line, “Let your Abba protect your emotions, as He surrounds you with the shield of His presence.” (Psalm 5:12)
I read Sylvia’s devotional before yours, it was first in my inbox, so I was already thinking about my years in what I’ve always called hell (no offense intended) and God’s tender mercy and amazing grace that came to my rescue. It is my heart’s cry that every woman or girl, no matter the age have a safe place to go, a Christian place, where they can heal, learn of God’s love for them if they don’t know Him so they too can experience the freedom that only comes from Christ. They could take the time to let God reprogram the damage and dysfunctional thought processes and emotional wreckage that goes along with abuse. God gave me a vision for this ministry to help abused women and children, suffering from many forms of abuse; sexual, physical, emotional as well as drug abuse. It’s funny when I think about it; from as far back as I can remember until my sophomore year in college when anyone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I’d tell them “I want to be a nurse.” They’d always ask me, why? I had one, and only one answer – “Because I want to help people.” Nursing wasn’t for me, I was 17 and not really serious about anything. I now know that God had a different plan for my life, doing something near and dear to my heart and soul since I too am a survivor.
Well, I didn’t mean to write a book! The topic triggered my blabber mouth!
I love your blog, you really are a terrific writer. You will be in my prayers for complete healing of any emotional scarring, that the bad dreams be replaced with only sweet ones and as God gives you a fresh filling of His Holy Spirit you find renewed strength for your journey. May God bless you with love and peace and make His face to shine upon you.
Much love my sister,
His daughter,
Jodee
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Helen says
September 3, 2015 at 5:00 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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Thanks sweet girl for sharing your heart! Praying all anchors will be severed and you will not only sail but soar in all that Jesus has in mind for you!!!
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Leah Seymour says
January 27, 2021 at 10:15 amDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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I recently had a dream so similar about my past I was abused by a family member that was like my brother when I was three year old I could remember every detail I’m now 23 and I just got healing in that area of my life because I thought not talking or thinking about it I was fine but I have my life to Christ and I know I’m in the season he wants to push me to my God sized dreams for me but he’s taking me back to hurt and helping me overcome them. And I’m grateful. I have Jesus and my guardian angel.
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Laurie says
January 27, 2021 at 2:28 pmDeprecated: Function get_magic_quotes_gpc() is deprecated in /home/godsized/public_html/wp-includes/formatting.php on line 4826
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I’m so sorry you went through that, Leah. And so glad you are finding healing, connecting with where God’s leading you in your dreams. Since this post I’ve become a coach to help women overcome abuse. You can find me on Facebook or Instagram at When Light Came In. Would love to see you over in that community – lots of healing dreamers over there!
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