I made a mistake last year.
Well, to be fair, I make them every day. š
But this oneā¦it was the kind that grated on me for a year. I just couldnāt get it out of my head. And I knew things needed to be different, but I couldnāt quite put my finger on what I had done wrong. And, really, it took twelve months to process.
But this morning, as I sit down with my coffee and pour my heart out to you, Iām starting to see.
And, ohā¦it feels good to finally see.
So one of my dreams has been, for a long time, to āmake itā in the blogging worldā¦to become the next big blogger, whatever that looks like.
And what that DOES look likeā¦well, I still havenāt quite figured that out. For a long time, I had it in my head that it meant tons of followers, comments, a platform the width of the world, lots of recognition. And, of course, a book deal to follow.
In reality it sounds like a lovely, perfectly-ordered dream, doesnāt it?
And there was a timeā¦a span of about a yearā¦when I chased that dream hard.
Too. Hard.
It was the kind of hard that stayed up until ungodly hours to read and comment and reply and read some more. And goodness, thereās nothing wrong with the reading and commenting partā¦because pouring encouragement into the lives of others is such an important part of communityā¦whether online or in real life. But those things definitely shouldnāt have been taking place at one in the morning for this mama.
It had almost become an obsessionā¦an exhausting one, but I was convinced it was worth it to go wide and to know and love and connect with as many people as possible. And then it all kind of crashed around me when I returned home from a conference just a year ago.
Iād spent so much time at that conference saying helloā¦and never going beyond that.
Iād done everything I could to go wideā¦and thatās what it was. Wide, not deep. (<==== Tweet this.)
That realization made me want to hide under the covers for maybe more than a month. But of course with a toddler, I hid for exactly 2.5 seconds before she ripped the covers back and joined me.
And then? Well, I promised myself that Iād pray through this and see what my Father wanted from all of it. Because in my heart, I knew He had something to teach me.
He answered by giving me A. YEAR. Oh, how to even tell you about a year that was full of no words, of loneliness, of broken dreamsā¦I really canāt.
But can I whisper something to you? In some ways, that year brought beauty.
In the quiet, I found much-needed time to live the life that was in front of me. In stepping back a bit from writing, I found a way to release myself from the pressures Iād heaped upon myself. And in the broken dreams, I was surrounded by His promises.
And, maybe more than anything, what I needed was the reminder that to have a wonderful, meaningful life doesnāt mean having a platform so wide Iāll never truly know most people beyond a hi, hello, and a hug.
It doesnāt mean that I have to connect so much online that I never have time to connect in real life.
It doesnāt mean that having a hundred comments on my blogā¦or oneā¦speaks anything of my significance.
It means, to me, that when I make the time to love someoneā¦to know them, pray for them, be there for themā¦that creates a depth of friendship that is so much more precious than a thousand hellos.
I feel like Iām finally finding meaning in the deep instead of the wide. (<====Tweet this.)
The deep that looks like hours of chatting over coffee, the kind that cries with a friend on a really bad day, and the kind that also happy dances all over the place to share in a celebration.
Iāve purposely allowed quiet into my life in order to go deep, and it has been glorious. I read blogs and catch up on commenting when I have a few minutes here or there. Iām finding other ways to encourage those I loveā¦and Iām still working on that.
But thereās been something so beautiful about this deep.
And while I still crave connection and friendship, more than ever I desire those things for the beautiful encouragement and love they bring into my life. Every day I want to choose the life He has for me without pushing for more than is meant for me.Ā
Iāll take the gifts as they comeā¦and you, my friends, are some of those beautiful gifts.
How can we pray for each other today?
Photo Credit: Kim DeLoach Photography
Shared by: Mel Schroeder
Mandy says
December 8, 2014 at 7:24 amBeautiful, like you, So proud of you and your hard work, Mel!
Mel says
December 8, 2014 at 4:13 pmLove to you, friend…I’m so grateful for you. xo
Alecia Simersky says
December 8, 2014 at 8:08 amBeautiful. Deep not wide, yes. I pray this will be what I aim for as well. Love you!
Mel says
December 8, 2014 at 4:13 pmLove you back, sweet friend…you are a gift. xo
Marcy Hanson says
December 8, 2014 at 9:33 amGirl, I am Right. There. With. You. I have been struggling over the same things. Watching all my friends grow and prosper and here I am-stuck in the middle with, well, me. I’ve prayed and cried and prayed and cried some more and I’m still searching for that absolute of what He wants me to do. And it’s a hard place to be! So thank you for these words of encouragement this morning that are oh so very timely. And for your sweet and open heart. Blessings on your head, friend!
Mel says
December 8, 2014 at 4:16 pmThank you for this, my friend. I think that place of expectations and wondering can be so hard…and so draining. I’m praying we both discover exactly what He’s calling us to and chase it down wholeheartedly. I’m so grateful for you…just as you are. Blessings and hugs. š
Jenn Woodruff says
December 9, 2014 at 12:23 pmThought I had commented on this without knowing it when I read your post! My life to a T…feeling stuck…like everyone else is prospering & moving on up, so to speak, while I’m here struggling to make it through this day. Trying to figure out what God wants me to do with this reality that isn’t what I chose. Sinking a lot of head knowledge of Who God is & Who He wants to be for me into my heart while I’m “in the waiting” season of this brokenness. Thankful I read this blog post…& read your comment. We aren’t alone in this. Satan can win temporary battles, but God has already won the war!
Laura Rath says
December 8, 2014 at 9:54 amBeautifully said Mel! I can relate to your story as I’ve felt God pulling me back with a different–a very necessary– focus at home this year. Living the life He’s set before me…
Blessings,
Laura
Mel says
December 8, 2014 at 4:18 pmThank you, Laura…I think it’s a beautiful thing when we choose to live exactly what He’s given…even if it can be difficult sometimes. Praying blessings on you and sending hugs. š
Joanne Viola says
December 8, 2014 at 10:02 amMel, this is just beautiful! So encouraging to us all. It truly is not in the # of comments or followers but in the connections made in authenticity & compassion. May this always be my focus.
Mel says
December 8, 2014 at 4:19 pmAMEN. Thank you for being here, friend. š
Ashley Fields says
December 8, 2014 at 10:47 amBeautifully written! I have started two blogs and I realized after reading your post that both have fallen flat because I entered them both with the intent of “making it big” because somehow that would get me somewhere. I actually find it hard to discipline myself enough to write consistently which is an area I need work in but I also have this notion that being an author also means having a successful blog. How true that is, I don’t know but the next time around, God will be at the forefront and stay at the forefront. Blessings Mel!
Mel says
December 8, 2014 at 6:08 pmThank you for sharing that, friend. In October I met with an agent, and she and I were discussing platforms and reach. I was so nervous that I don’t remember all she said, but I do remember her giving me permission to call myself an author. Writing is what so many of us do…and such a big part of who we are. And when He’s in the center of it, we really can’t do much more. The results are up to Him. (Which is so much easier to say than trust!) Blessings and prayers…thank you for being here today. š
Amy P Boyd says
December 8, 2014 at 11:18 amOh my sweet friend this is beautiful and something I need to read over and over. You know how much I desire to go deeper with those around me. In these days of social media and such, it is hard to figure out the balance between interacting online and find thoses that are willing to go deep with me.
Mel says
December 8, 2014 at 6:12 pmI’m so grateful for you, friend…and wishing so much that we could just share a hug and a long chat in person! Praying it will be sooner rather than later. š You are a sweet blessing…thank you for being one of those friends and sisters willing to go deep and share life. I treasure you. xo
~Karrilee~ says
December 8, 2014 at 12:28 pmOh Mel – I love this! It’s so easy to forget – but relationships is what our God is all about and oh how we need this reminder to go Deep! I think we can go Deep first, and then it may spread wide with Him (but it may not, and that is just fine!) However it’s not fruitful to go wide first, not allowing roots to go down deep, building a foundation!
So proud of you for being open and honest and for sitting in the quiet and lonely days – trusting Him. I’ve had a few long seasons like that myself – it’s not easy, but it’s always worth it, friend!
Mel says
December 8, 2014 at 6:26 pm“However itās not fruitful to go wide first, not allowing roots to go down deep, building a foundation!” YES. You sorta had me jumping up and down when I read that line! Well said. As someone who craves roots and depth, it surprises me that I even tried to go so wide. Lesson learned, but it sure was (and still is!) a tough one. I’m grateful for you, friend…I think of all those FMF nights and the encouragement we shared, and I’m thankful for that season and where it’s brought me. Hugs to you, sweet friend…you bless me. š
Amy says
December 8, 2014 at 12:28 pmMel, oh my goodnessā¦this post was like a big, huge hug. Your kindness and warmth was the first thing I noticed about you, so I’m pretty sure God knows what He’s doing with you. Thank you-thank you for this post. It was a divinely timed reminder that I don’t have to clamor my way into “the scene”…
Mel says
December 8, 2014 at 6:28 pmOh, sweet Amy…thank you. Your comment was like a huge hug to ME! Thank you, too, for the reminder that God knows what He’s doing with me…here’s to trusting Him because I know I can. š Blessings and hugs.
Sabra Penley says
December 8, 2014 at 12:47 pmOh, how God knew I needed to open this email today! I’ve been struggling lately with feeling the need to bring in some income and knowing God wants me to write and work with my husband on our marriage blog. And how does all that fit together?! I’m still not sure. But I know God wants me to bring some of that quiet in you talk about. I, too, have spent too much time reading and commenting (and I love it) but too little time connecting with the people right here around me. Taking one day at a time, trying to soak in as much of His wisdom as possible, and trusting that everything will fall into place at just the right time in just the right way. Thanks so much, Mel!
Mel says
December 8, 2014 at 6:37 pmI’m so glad you are here, friend. I’m saying a prayer for you today…that you’ll be able to find that balance. It’s so hard when we crave those connections, both online and in real life…I’m asking that He will make His plan completely clear to you! (((hugs)))
Kim says
December 8, 2014 at 1:23 pmI love this! I’ve long since given up on the idea of “making it big” or at least I think I have. Every so often it will resurface, but I’d much rather come to the end of my life having had real and deep relationships than having had a book deal. One does not necessarily cancel out the other, but like you, I have a limited amount of time and must be a good steward of it. I love reading blogs and commenting on them but I want to do that because I want to, not because I’m trying to build a platform. This is a lovely reminder.
Mel says
December 8, 2014 at 6:37 pmI’m grateful for you and your heart, my friend. Thank you for being here. š
Beth Hess (Just Be Beth) says
December 8, 2014 at 3:22 pmYes. This. Forever. May we dare to go deep.
Mel says
December 8, 2014 at 6:38 pmAmen. š
Tonya says
December 8, 2014 at 9:49 pmVery nice and encouraging, Mel! Many blessings to your family!:)
Mel says
December 9, 2014 at 6:49 pmBlessings back to you, friend! š
Erica says
December 9, 2014 at 1:22 amYou know… I was meant to be right here reading this today. I have been on this same road. I can hear His gentle whisper as I comment on one more post, as I share one more thing on Pinterest, as I post just one more thing to Facebook. I can hear Him, ever so gently, saying not here, not this way, and I keep saying just a minute while I get one more thing done for what I want to accomplish. Thank you because you are confirmation for what I have, in a way, known already. To go deep. Not wide. To slow down for the real life that is passing by. Please pray that I can really let it all go for His way, not mine. Again, thank you. xx
Mel says
December 9, 2014 at 6:52 pmI will absolutely pray, Erica…thank you for sharing that. It’s a hard place to be, but I truly believe that when we reach the point of giving it all to Him…He will bless more than we could ever ask or imagine. Sending you a hug, friend…thank you for being here! š
Jenn Woodruff says
December 9, 2014 at 12:36 pmThank you Mel for sharing this post…for being real & raw in a world where it’s all to easy to be fake. I appreciate that greatly. I actually read your post thinking it would help me in the new desire I’ve been feeling slowly coming alive in me to write &/or encourage women especially through hard times (blessed to be a blessing…even in the tough stuff). You actually spoke more to my brokenness at home with my marriage…this line got me “And in the broken dreams, I was surrounded by His promises.” I know that in my head, but to believe that in my heart has been a struggle. I’m thankful I read this…it was a God-thing definitely. You are awesome for being willing to be used in the moments you may not enjoy being real about. š
Mel says
December 9, 2014 at 6:56 pmI’m so glad you’re here, friend…I’m whispering up a prayer for you right now. There are definitely days (many of them!) when I have to choose to believe what I don’t feel or see. I’m so thankful that God AND His promises never change. Blessings and hugs to you.
Lisa says
December 11, 2014 at 9:40 pmYes, friend. YES! I never will make it ‘big’ this I know, but I can do small things for others in a ‘big’ way. And that is so much more important. Sometimes sitting in silence with reflection is good for the soul—an examination of one’s heart motives. I’ve needed real-life friends to talk to cry with, and to be with so much this last year. That is the season I’ve been in. Thanks for being so HONEST. š Love you and your heart.–
Mel says
December 14, 2014 at 4:19 pmI think those real life relationships are so important…because we DO need them. Love you, my friend…I’m so grateful our paths crossed. Blessings and hugs to you in this season. š
Barbie says
December 13, 2014 at 3:37 amMel, this is beautiful and speaks directly to my heart. I am the one sitting up until all hours of the early morning to read and comment, keeping this community I’m building together. God has been pulling me back. I’ve had no words, well no real deep words this year. May this be my prayer as well, that God would take me deep into Him. May He transform my blog and my writing into what He desires. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart.
Mel says
December 14, 2014 at 4:21 pmI think that’s such a wonderful thing to pray for…that He will transform us, our words, our blogs into exactly what He desires. Love it! So blessed by you, my friend…thank you for being here. (((BIG hugs))) š
Lisha Epperson says
December 13, 2014 at 7:15 amYes and amen to stepping back. Whenever I feel like I’m chasing something or taking away too much time from my family with blogging… I step back. I’m in a season of loving on the people in my “right now” family and community. I’ve loved every minute of my blogging journey but God consistently calls me back to face to face relationships and reminds me to discipline myself to stay present in the world in front of me. Your words are a part of the nudge that keeps me grounded. I’m so glad I stopped by Mel.
Mel says
December 14, 2014 at 10:02 pmI think it’s so wise to be aware that there are often times when we need to step back for the good of ourselves and those we love. I love the season you’re in…the people He gives us in our real lives truly are such a gift. Praying God will pour His blessings on you, my friend. š (((hugs)))
Dawn says
December 13, 2014 at 9:38 amYes!! This is real…deep and wide is exactly what we are meant for. Taking a break..or being made to, it has a divine purpose.
So much I’d like to say, but truly your words wrap beauty and grace around the hope that living with this perspective reveals. Thanks for sharing your ā”.
Blessings,
Dawn
Mel says
December 14, 2014 at 10:07 pmThank you for being here, Dawn. š Blessings and hugs to you!
Elizabeth says
December 15, 2014 at 7:48 amI, too, have made the mistake of trying to make a tiny blog go big — or bigger than God wanted it to be. Beginning last Christmas, He took me down a path where he pared away everything I had worked so hard for and turned my focus to my family, my church, and my own physical and spiritual health. He helped me rest and built me up, focused me on the here and now so that when tragedy struck, as it did in our family this fall, I would be filled up and ready for the challenges we face.
Patti Burris says
December 16, 2014 at 9:42 amI have been wrestling with this same issue. There are times when I want my blog to go crazy and reach many many more people, but God always checks my spirit and reminds me why I write. I write to glorify Him and encourage people. I write to build relationships. God is working out my purpose and I am in a waiting season of life. Thank you for being a vessel that God can use! http://www.pattiburris.com
Kelly Balarie says
December 17, 2014 at 2:01 pmI love how you were brave enough to take a step back. I could fall into a trap like this. I always think, “Jesus values relationship.” He cares so much more about depth – as you well said! Thanks for sharing.
Lux Ganzon says
December 26, 2014 at 4:38 pmAw, Mel. This is just so good. I was feeling terrible because of my past mistakes too. I think it happens during this time of the year? A recap of the year that was? But January is a reminder that we can all start over.
Happy holidays to you and your family!