The new day slips fingers of light around the curtains in my bedroom and taps me gently on the shoulder. In response, I pull the covers back over my head. I don’t want to face this day. I don’t want to do this dream. I don’t want to come out from my cave of protective pillows.
Scenes from the night before flash through my mind. How could I have done that? How could I have said that? And, most importantly, how could God ever want to use me again after I failed so miserably?
I can almost see the news ticker flashing across the ceiling: Christian author acts like a fool and is fired forever by Jesus. I groan and turn over to dig deeper into the sheets. Have you ever had a moment like this? If you haven’t yet, you will. At some point the reality that you are completely unworthy of your God-sized dream will hit you right in the heart.
Because God has this funny tendency. He chooses messy, broken people to do extraordinary, God-glorifying things.
An adulterer to lead his holy nation (David).
A prostitute in the lineage of the Messiah (Rahab).
An accomplice to murder to spread the gospel (Paul).
Even Peter, one of the disciples, denied Jesus three times on the night before he went to the cross. Can you imagine what Peter thought when he woke up the next day?
I don’t know how to explain this part of how God works. It’s so different than how we as humans would do it. We would choose the most perfect among us, the steadiest, the least risky. But God scandalously and stubbornly chooses sinners instead.
The real danger to your God-sized dream is not failure. God took care of that on the cross through Christ. No, the deepest threat to your God-sized dream is that you will believe the lie that you must be worthy. Let’s settle that here and now. You’re not worthy. I’m not worthy.
In humility we respond, “God, I know I’m a mess. But I believe somehow you can use me anyway. I offer myself to you just as I am today. And I will again tomorrow. No matter what mistakes I make. No matter how many times I fall down. I will get back and serve you forever.”
Until we are in heaven, we will not be perfect. Yes, we are to seek obedience because we love our Master. But he wants to use us even when we fall short.
I finally lift the covers off my head. As I do, I feel the weight of guilt slip away too. I breathe in forgiveness, mercies that are new every morning, and say hello again to my God-sized dream. I don’t know how this day will go. But I do know where I can always go when I need grace.
Are you feeling unworthy of your dream today? Do you wonder how God could even want you when he knows everything about you? Push aside those lies and doubts, the fears and failures, and take hold again of the One who will never let you go. Then welcome this day with courage, faith, and the belief that nothing you do (or don’t do) can overcome his love for you.