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I grew up shy. Dutiful. Obedient. Friendly enough for a preacher’s daughter, as friendly as required, but shy without question. My father left us for another family before my eighth grade year; that didn’t do anything but deepen my insecurities and doubt.
Shyly I entered college, with a course long charted for medicine. My first B threw me into upheaval and, via a story far too long to share here, redirected me to instead study Pre-law. I majored in Political Science and minored in Speech. I hated speaking in public! I threw up before every speech. This continued on in to law school, but I continued to speak, with toothpaste always nearby.
Fifteen years after graduation, I find myself celebrating my 40th birthday on a ship I regularly feel is beyond my class, charted for a course I feel incapable of completing. Apparently, in this whole faith thing, being humanly incapable of achieving your dream is actually a good thing. Or so I’m learning.
The course was not straight or easy.
The boat is not even the same one nor does it resemble my boats charted for dreams long gone by. I spent my early 20s fighting my faith. I spent my late 20s fighting men. I spent my early 30s fighting infertility. I spent my mid 30s fighting the pressures of “it all.” Throughout these years, I fought to stay in control. To chart my OWN course. Even when I prayed, read scripture, and lead bible studies, I fought God for control.
This is what I’m learning. It’s not about the fight.
The fight that comes because of a struggle of wills. Your’s against God’s.
It’s about the surrendering.
Surrendering to the one true captain who knows no bounds, whose ship has no class restrictions, whose course has no limitations. I’ve learned that this dream in my heart, to serve people in need of God’s grace, looks different, but better, through His telescope. At least, what I’ve seen glimpses of thus far.
This is who I am. I am a woman who loves God, my husband of seven years, and my miraculous three children who were born sixty seconds apart four years ago. I am a full-time attorney for a global energy company. I love my work and do it well. I love to write – more than just about anything else besides my family and friends. I’ve written a blog for three years, which began as a chronicling of the triplets story. Then God turned it into a refreshing spot for working women of faith. I published my first book about leadership for women this summer, Learning to Lead. I have an incredible crew of girlfriends–God well knew I would need them to survive this dream He is revealing to me bit-by-bit. I am stubborn and opinionated and vocal; for over two decades I had no idea this existed in my spirit. I’m now learning how God can use it, if I will first let Him tame it.
Even all those shy insecure years ago, though, I was a dreamer.
I’ve always been a dreamer. I just never imagined where God would take me. Where He would drag me. Where He would allow me to sail. Despite His continued faithfulness, I do not always sail fearlessly. But I will stay on this boat. Confident that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. (Philippians 1:6) And knowing that He is able to do immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine, according to His power at work within me. (Ephesians 3:20)
Photo Credit: Patrick Nouhailler, Creative Commons
Shared by: Gindi Vincent
*This post has been edited from the archives, January 2, 2014.